The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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