Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We're too hungover to prance.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
