Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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