those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
