Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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