i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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