Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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