I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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