I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
3pm strippers are depressing
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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