you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
