Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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