Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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