Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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