I smell stomach acid.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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