Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
