life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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