Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
