Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
