one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
