I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
