Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
