if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
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Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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