I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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