I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
