My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
They took my balls.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
