Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
