I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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