I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
