I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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