If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
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I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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