Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
