i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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