Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
