Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
