I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
