so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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