i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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