Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I have vodka in my lungs
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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