im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
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Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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