I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
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sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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