barbara walters just said penis...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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