She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
farters have to be the big spoon...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
