omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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