if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I puked a lego.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
