My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
