Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
