if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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