the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
