Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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