Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
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I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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