every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
