We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
