Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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