I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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