He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
